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 Post subject: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:11 pm 
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Utsusemi rested in the restless state between dreaming and waking.

She could hear the steady breathing of Kenzo beside her. The two of them had laid down to sleep together, merely holding eachother until they would fall asleep... and Kenzo had fallen asleep, but she had not gotten that far yet. Her mind was still agonizing over her repeated failures to compose something worthy of Sadahako, and why she was unable to push herself to the next level and past any of her previous works.

Slipping carefully from her lover's embrace, Utsusemi walked with careful steps in the darkness into the common room. The silence of the night, the darkness, the current solitude... it all muted out the distractions of everything else as she sought the emotions she kept locked away inside her. All the feelings she was reluctant to allow to even touch the surface of her normally perfect porcelain On.

Fear; she dreaded facing her husband now, after her meeting with Yajinden earlier. Somehow, Ryuden knew. She didn't fear what he would do to her, not anymore... but she feared for Kenzo. Had her sin of Desire doomed him? How could she tell him that she suspected that her husband already knew. But how? Was it those strange nightmares, that she and Kenzo had experienced on the same nights twice? Was someone he knew responsible for them... like Yajinden? Could shugenja even perform such feats?

She derided herself from forming ideas and theories based only on her suspicions and gut instincts, and as she let those feelings well up, she could not keep herself from crying silently.

As all those negative feelings she carried with her threatened to completely overwhelm her into helplessness... Utsusemi felt compelled to form something into words. Something... hope, sorrow, grief, love...

Her hair twirled behind her as she moved in a flurry. Light. Paper. Ink... no time, she settled for charcoal. She needed to put it down now, before it slipped from her mind. Before the emotions were lost.

The lantern light had barely had time to settle as she spread out paper on the table in the common room, her hand moving swiftly over it's surface with each stroke of a kanji. She wept as she wrote, partially from finding an outlet of the bottled up feelings, and partially because it finally felt like she was able to create a masterpiece.

Charcoal stained fingers stopped, and she read over her lines several times. Again, and again... the feeling of having reached a masterpiece was slowly replaced with the unpleasant feeling that she could do better. That it might still not be good enough.

"It's never good enough..." the words trembled, choking back a sob. "I'm never enough. Never good enough."

Wasn't she a Doji in her soul still? A perfect daughter, a perfect student, a perfect mother, and a perfect wife...? No, it was all just lies and deceit, put on because expectations of the public.


---


D8 Poetry/Awareness. We pray to Sadahako and Orokos to consider us worthy! +1k1 Void. 7 raises: 10d10o10k6 75



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 6:29 pm 
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Indeed, it had taken little time for Kenzo to fall asleep. He'd waited up for Utsu, and it had been a long day. And, perhaps most importantly, he was supremely content to lie there with her in his arms. Truly, a perfect end to the day.

Only it seemed that the day was not quite over.

Slowly, Kenzo came back to awareness. Utsu wasn't there, he could tell instantly, the pleasant feel of her something he was aware was missing before his eyes even opened. His hand reached out, touching where she had been, smiling at the lingering warmth he could feel. Perhaps she was just up for a moment. He settled back to wait; he would take her in his arms again when she returned.

Time passed, and Kenzo's eyes slowly flickered open. It seemed that she was not, in fact, just briefly up. And it was still far, far too dark for her to be up preparing breakfast; a fond smile at the thought converted to a thoughtful frown. This didn't feel right. Something was wrong.

"If this is Zabieru injuring himself again," Kenzo murmured to himself, "-I'll duel him. It's only fair." He rose, quickly tightening a nightwear kimono around himself. He moved quietly, his feet padding softly on the ground, as he crossed the room, slipping through the door.

Stepping into the common room, Kenzo saw Utsu at once, of course, lit by the soft glow of the lantern. "Utsu?" Kenzo's warm smile upon seeing his love was halted almost at once as he took in her appearance, the redness of her eyes, and the tears still wet on her cheeks. Even in the dim light, it would be easy to see his eyes widen, concern rapidly filling them. "Utsusemi?"



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 6:43 pm 
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Utsusemi let her head roll back as she looked at Kenzo. The way her chin angled up made her neck seem even longer, and her throat bulged slightly as she swallowed back her tears. Her hands let go of the sheet of paper with her hastily written words, and it dropped onto the floor beside her where she sat. In the lantern light, in her white robe that almost melded with her white hair, she looked so ephemeral, like a spirit that might disappear if the light became too bright.

"... I can do better... I should be able to," she sniffled, looking away as her fists clenched in frustration.



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 6:56 pm 
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"Utsusemi..." Kenzo said her name again; even with concern lacing his tone, there was still something reverent about the way he said it.

There seemed to be only one thing he could do, not just for her, but for himself. The sight of her in such obvious distress was intolerable. He crossed quickly, kneeling down beside her. His arms enfolded her with that gentle firmness that he had, easing her against the solidness of his chest.

"Utsu... it's okay... it's okay..." He murmured softly, reassuringly. His gaze flickered down to the dropped paper, wondering what was on it that made her react so. But, of course, it was not his first priority.



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 7:13 pm 
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The writing was not in her usual hand, but it was still unmistakebly hers. It seemed to be a lengthy poem of some sort, instead of the the seven lines that was her preferred medium.

Her arms hesitantly wrapped around him in return, but once they were in place she hugged him tightly. Feeling him near, other thoughts crossed her mind as she tried to cope with her own feelings of inadeqacy.

"... He knows, Kenzo... he knows..." she sobbed as she thought back to Yajinden's words earlier that evening. "I don't know how, but he knows."



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 7:21 pm 
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Kenzo sighed softly as Utsu hugged him. His arms tightened around her in return, squeezing her to him. "It's okay..." He murmured again, his voice still soft. It was a relief, in a way, that she allowed herself to be comforted by him. He hadn't entirely known what to expected. He leaned forward, kissing the top of her head.

Her words sent a chill through him, even though the meaning was not entirely clear. As he rested his chin on her head, he frowned, his forehead creasing. "Who, Utsu? Who knows what?" His voice was still calm and reassuring, not revealing even a trace of the strange feeling her words had instilled in him.



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 7:27 pm 
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It took her a few attempts to compose herself enough to speak without stumbling over her words and thoughts.

"I spoke with Yajinden today... said he'd been in touch with my husband. Said that he had inquired about us." Her fingers curled up, making small fists in frustration. Anger, even. "I don't know if Yajinden is just toying with me, or if he was being truthful... but I just feel like... somehow, he knows."



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 7:38 pm 
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Kenzo was patient. He was more than happy to just hold her as he waited.

Ah, so that was what had caused the chill to go down his spine. Utsu would be able to feel Kenzo's body stiffen, just a little as they held each other. "What?" Kenzo said. A moment later, she would feel him relax, his arms tightening reassuringly around her once more. He would need to be her hero, her rock to cling to. He could do that.

Gently, Kenzo stroked her back with one hand, as he so often did when they held each other. "Utsu... that doesn't make any sense. We weren't... there wasn't an us until just before we left. Not in that way. I don't think anyone would have imagined this." He shook his head slowly, before gently kissing the top of her head once more. "It doesn't seem possible."



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 7:50 pm 
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Utsusemi swallowed hard as she listened to his words, feeling his touch helping her body relax from the tension that had built up from crying.

"... I don't know, Kenzo..." she murmured into his shoulder, her crying had at least stopped, and she tried to be reasonable about this too. "I just... it's just too much sometimes. If he hurt you over this, I could never forgive myself."

She should be better than this, she felt. Better than just burdening him, and he always supporting her. She loved Kenzo, but he seemed so strong and sure of himself, how could she be the same support for him in return when she wasn't good enough.



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 8:08 pm 
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Kenzo didn't waver in his support, in the way he held her, in the way he gently brushed his hand down her back. Nor did he want to; somehow, since they'd he'd bound his happiness to hers, and now found them inextricably linked.

He gave a soft, reassuring chuckle. "Don't worry, Utsu. I won't let anything bad happen to you. And if that means protecting myself, well, so much the better." He sighed. "We've been careful, I think. And we'll continue to be careful.
There shouldn't be... no one could know."

His arms tightened around her, just a little. In truth, it was difficult to entirely dismiss her worries, some of her fear seeping into him. If someone does know, what do I do?



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 8:53 pm 
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She breathed in deeply, taking in the scent and warmth of him. The only one who knew besides from them was Bellena, and it hurt too much to think that she would somehow betray them. It didn't seem like something she would do.

"I'm more worried about you than me, Kenzo," she sniffled. "I... I can't even be the support you might need. You're always the one to be there for me... I can't even keep myself together." Utsusemi gave out a painful laugh. "I can't even write without tearing myself down, and even then it's not good enough."



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 9:12 pm 
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In addition to the pleasantly spicy masculine scent that Kenzo had, Utsu would be able to note her own scent lingering on his body, mingling pleasantly.

"Utsusemi..." Kenzo said softly, his eyes closing. When they opened again, he smiled. "I don't need support. I can support myself. I can support both of us." His hand shifted, coming up to gently cup her cheek, easing her gaze upwards. "I need..." His lips twisted. "A beacon. Something to lead me on the right path, and to bring me home again. That's you, Utsusemi, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for it. And... you've eased my pain more than you know, I think." His head dipped, kissing her tenderly, heedless of her tears.

He parted slowly, his eyes dropping once more to the paper. "That's your writing? What..." He paused, frowning thoughtfully. "Are you not satisfied with it? Or... may I see it?" He asked softly.



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 9:29 pm 
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His kiss was a welcome sensation, and she returned it in kind with a great sense of need. Not of a sexual nature, but one borne out of her need for the stability and comfort only he could provide. Her fingers pressed into the thin fabric of his clothes as she held the kiss for as long as she could.

"... It's the best I have done as far as I know," she said with a sorrowful tone, "but... for a Fortune? I don't know if it's good enough..." For someone like lady Sadahako, who was so beloved by so many.

Utsusemi gave a slight nod, and one hand slid down his back and to the paper to push it towards him. It was a long poem... more like a lament, even. It was not done in the traditional style that she always favoured, and it's freer form allowed it to either be read as a poem, or to possibly be formed into a song if someone were to compose music for it.

"Blessed stars above
Shining bright from afar
I come to you in sorrow
And with a broken heart

Long has been my journey
To reach your lighted halls
But now I kneel before thee
As grief my spirit calls

I seek the man I once loved
Whom I bid await me here
I pledged that I would find him
Before he leaves this sphere

This man of whom I speak
He gave his love to me
He broke the chains that made me weak
And at last my soul soared free

So borne upon an urgent breeze
I travelled to this place
Where only one thing could appease
The torment I now face

Oh tell me I am not too late
To see my love once more
For that would be too cruel a fate
I beg he reach this shore

That we may take a little time
To bid our last farewell
And remember all we shared erstwhile
Such joy no one could quell

For never was a greater love
Than that within our hearts
Once born, forever binding us
Even though through death we part"



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 9:45 pm 
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Reaching down, Kenzo lifted the paper with one hand; the thought of taking his arm from around her didn't even occur to him. He straightened the paper with a flick of his wrist, and began to read.

It was a long poem, but Kenzo took even longer to read it. As he read it, his brown eyes slowly widened, his lips parting just a little. His eyes could be seen to move as they traced over the writing, an expression of wonder finding its way to his face.

Finally done, he lowered it gently to the table, his hand trembling just a little. "Utsusemi..." He whispered. Both arms encircled her once more, squeezing her. He may not have needed her support, exactly, but in his way, he needed her as much as she needed him, the way he held her giving mute evidence of that. "Utsusemi..." He began again, clearing his throat. "I do not see how that could be considered unworthy. I... scarcely feel worthy to read it..." He buried his face in her hair. How he had become worthy of her love was still a marvel to him.



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 10:18 pm 
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Utsusemi had a hard time looking at him as he read, but she could not tear her sight away from him either; she needed to see his immediate reaction. Not that she thought he would lie to her, but a part of her needed to see the initial impression.

She could not bear it if he praised her just because he did not wish to hurt her feelings.

At least Kenzo made her breathe out slowly, eyes closing as she held him tightly. Her scent of lavender and fragrant wood mixed with his filled her with comfort.

"... I can do better," she said quietly, her voice determined. "Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next week, but I will do better."

There was a hint of bitterness to her voice. "If only... if only I didn't have to be broken down like this to find the words. The past days, I've not been able to write anything worth the paper I used on it." She realised she could not keep up with this destructive cycle of inspiration, not when she needed to be there for him, and all the others who relied on her to complete this task of working on the temple and other duties.



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 10:40 pm 
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Kenzo chuckled, the sound muffled by Utsu's hair. He pulled back from it reluctantly, enjoying the feeling of being surrounded by the pale silken strands, by the scent of her. "I believe you." He said, meeting her eyes, his voice soft. "And yet, I cannot imagine it. This..." He gestured to the paper, still lying on the table. He shook his head. "I cannot find the words, Utsusemi."

He sat back just a little, his hands sliding up to her shoulders. His eyes were full of concern as they met hers, the crease in his forehead appearing. "That concerns me." He said, his voice still soft. "I've seen both brilliance and sadness in you. I... dare to hope that the one is not contingent on the other."

The expression on his face shifted, worry gaining a hint of anguish. "Because I very much don't like to see you sad, Utsusemi. It... hurts me, too." His lips twisted. "I almost think that if you were to be cut, that I too would bleed."



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 11:11 pm 
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The look of anguish in his face was almost too much for her to bear, and it looked like she was about to cry again at first, her lower lip trembling slightly until she pressed it into a thin line against her teeth.

Her hands reached up to cup his face, her long and slender fingers pushing through his scruffy facial hair. "I cannot bear to see you saddened or hurt, my beloved," her voice was tender and raw with emotion as her eyes searched for his. "And if it is because of my own failings... I must strive to be better then, for you."



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:19 am 
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To see Utsu's look of anguish reflecting his own was almost more than Kenzo could bear, his heart seeming to catch in his chest. Mutely, he shook his head, stopping as he felt her hand on his cheek.

"Utsusemi..." He whispered. His eyes were soft, vulnerable, the depth of his feeling for her right at the surface. He could see them reflected in her lovely hazel orbs, twin infinities. "It's not your failings. It's not. Maybe... maybe it's the world failing you. I just... it seems perhaps the reason that I want to see you happy is because now I share it with you."

He leaned forward, gently pressing his forehead to hers, mirroring the gesture as she performed it before. "And in this little time, you've already given me a lifetime of happiness. My love."



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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:34 am 
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Their foreheads leaning against eachother was becoming their mutual gesture of affection and support, and she could not deny that it brought her comfort.

Perhaps if she could prove herself worthy of one Fortune, the Heavens would show mercy on her pitiful existence, so tarnished with shame and secrecy.

"If you were not here with me, I do not think I could still go on so far away from home," she breathed deeply once more, her eyes closing slowly. "It is as you said; you are my home."

Her lips caressed his softly, tasting faintly of her tears. "When you are here, when I know you are near, I do not feel these doubts overwhelming me. I don't know why, but you are like a balm for my soul."



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Dragon Clan • Waifu • Poet • Sensational Artisan • Chadō Master • Courtier • Imperial Chaperone • Second Officer of the Kunshu Maru • Healer
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Honour: Exceptional • Status: 5.0 • Glory: 5.1 (Lady of the Golden Moon's Words)
Faith: Exceptional • Status: 4.0 • Reputation: 2.7 (Lady Uxue)
Languages: Rokugani, Merenaese
Has: Wakizashi, flute, notebook (new), small knife, satchel (contains medicine kit and paint supplies).
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 Post subject: Re: Cicada's Lament (D8, Late Night)
PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 1:10 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2017 6:06 pm
Posts: 1661
Kenzo smiled, just in time for their lips to meet, with a tenderness as wonderful as any passion. "And you are mine." He said. His eyes were closed too, but it didn't matter. The connection was just as complete. "I think you were, even before all this, I just didn't know it. But now I do..."

He smiled again, his arms sliding down, encircling her again. "It gladdens me to hear you say that, Utsusemi. I want to bring you happiness. You deserve it, so much, for what you've done for others. For me." He smiled. "So please, let me continue to do so. Believe me, whatever I give to you, you return to me tenfold."



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Dragon | Bushi | Famed Naturalist! | Infamous Scoundrel! | Loves Animals | Naturalist-at-Arms
Status: 2.0 | Glory: 4.9 | Infamy: 1.0 | Reputation: 2.0 | Honor: As Expected
Languages: Rokugani, Yobanjin
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Sturdy clothing, daisho, traveling pack, ink brush kit, fan. Pistols when not ridiculously inappropriate.

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