"Ooh." Kenzo murmured, grinning as he felt Utsu's teeth graze his neck. His fingers danced playfully down her back in return. "I must not have tired you as much as I thought." He smiled. "But I'm not sure. Even the physical... I think a younger Kenzo would not have been ready for either, perhaps."

He wasn't the least stung that a younger Utsu hadn't thought of him that way. But her next words did cause his brow to furrow lightly in concern. He tilted his head, giving her forehead a gentle kiss. "Our paths forward rarely lead where we expect. I never would have predicted how my life has turned out..." This last was said softly. He gave her a smile, strangely hopeful. "I... hope you can continue to be happy on this one."

"Hm, maybe I would have been too much for the younger Kenzo," she managed a brief giggle at that. And with the reputation of younger men being too much in a rush, she probably would not have been very satisfied herself, compared to how well he satisfied her now.

Utsusemi tilted her head to look him in the eyes. "I... don't know, Kenzo... I am happy now, in this moment here with you. But once we return home... I don't know. Seeing the children again will bring me joy, but... what I feel for them is different than what I feel for you." She felt shameful even to say it, even when she knew that her children would always come first.

"I don't know if we can be happy in the future..."

Some emotion flashed briefly in his brown eyes; sadness, fear? It was gone when he smiled at her. "Utsu..." His hand stroked across her cheek. "I don't mean to distress you with worries of the future when we should be enjoying now."

He pressed his forehead against hers, perhaps the tiniest bit more firmly than usual. "I want you to be happy, Utsu. And I won't give up on your happiness. Even if your happiness doesn't include... us."

His lips twisted. "Although I will continue to hope that it will." He grinned.playfully. "After all, if we can only be together like this once a year, at least we now have compelling evidence that it will be very, very good."

At least his words were a consolation to her, and she chuckled softly. "You're right... knowing how it's like after waiting weeks, I feel pretty confident that it would be amazing after months..."

Utsusemi sought his lips once more for a gentle kiss.

"I hope it can include you... I really do, Kenzo. As... you might have noticed I'm just not so easily optimistic like you. When life has turned out so... wildly different to what you thought and hoped it would be, it is difficult to hope again."

Maybe she should tell him. Maybe it was time to share that burden... Her gaze lowered away from his as she tried to decide.

The kiss soothed some of the fear Kenzo was concealing, and Utsu's words soothed the rest. Relief flashed in his brown eyes, and he grinned at her. "That is all I wish for. Don't give up on hope. Either for yourself, or for us."

His soft brown eyes grew more concerned as her gaze dropped away. His hand brushed back across her temple, touching her ear, stroking through her hair. "I know. I could tell for a while, even before we became lovers." Tenderly, he kissed her cheek.

"But I believe in you, Utsusemi." He said, his voice soft but firm. "And I believe that we can be happy. If ever your hope falters, let that be your strength." He gave her a soft smile. "Just as, last night, you were mine."

"It's... not so simple as that sometimes," she sighed.

Utsusemi quietly sat up after gently disentangling herself from their loving embrace.

"There are things you don't know, Kenzo, and... it's hard for me to tell you. But I don't want secrets between us." She couldn't bring herself to look at him as she spoke.

Kenzo blinked, his arms briefly left holding air as Utsu pulled away. His forehead creased, lips parting in concern. "Utsu..." He began, but he didn't know where to go from there.

He sat up as well, pulling his legs up to steady himself. "Very well. Then let there be no secrets between us." Hesitantly, he reached out, letting his hand rest on her back, warm and reassuring. "If there is something you want to tell me, I would gladly listen." She wouldn't look at him, but his eyes were on her, warm and concerned.

Feeling his hand on her back gave Utsusemi some strength to go on, to not hide anymore. But... how could she even begin to explain what their little family had been hiding from the outside world.

She glanced in his direction, to reassure herself that she could do this, but still not meeting his gaze as she could not bear to see what his reaction might be. "... Ryuden, he," she begun, but stopped, still not sure how to say it, before she found her voice again in a low whisper. "... the children. He's not their father."

Her lips trembled and she felt a shiver as she had said it.

In truth, Kenzo didn't have any idea what she was going to say. Still, this was something he never would have guessed. "Oh." Kenzo said. His eyes were wide and staring, his lips gently parted, her words leaving him in complete shock.

And yet... at the same time, it was rather like a piece of a puzzle falling into place. So many little clues that he'd picked up on, little strange signs that Utsu and her husband gave. "I... I see." Kenzo said. Cognizant of the shiver that passed through her body, his hand slowly stroked her back.

His lips pressed closed, but his eyes remained wide and staring as more thoughts occurred to him. "Does Ryuden-sama know? And..." He licked his lips, "-who is?" His shoulders seemed to tighten, tension beginning to fill his body. His hand on her back stiffened. With that puzzle piece in place, he could almost see the rest...

She nodded, silent at first. "He knows... because..." her lips pressed into a thin line, searching for the words that were so hard to say. It was tearing her apart to speak of the shame she had carried so long, but even so she couldn't even cry.

"... He asked him to. His brother," Utsusemi shrank together where she sat as she murmured the words, knees pulled up underneath her chin, unable to raise her voice much. "Ryuden couldn't, and still... he wanted the family line to go on..."

What choice did I have? As Sanjuro said, if I had said no, what good would that have done. It would be worse without them, probably.

"Oh." Kenzo breathed, his eyes widening further. Not with surprise this time, but with enlightenment. With the previous piece of the puzzle in place, this one fit in much more smoothly. "I see it." Kenzo whispered. "I would never have seen it without being told, but now it makes perfect sense. Fortunes, it makes perfect sense."

The wave of concern Kenzo felt for Utsu was interrupted by an unexpected wave of jealously, cramping his stomach, tightening his jaw. This explained much of the behavior between Utsu and Ryuden. But it also cast things between Utsu and Sanjuro in a new light. The memory of how she'd stayed by his bedside all night suddenly seemed to sting. Kenzo's eyes, still wide, held dark uncertainty now. What did this mean for them?

Even in his moment of selfishness, though, his hand remained steady on her back.

His words hurt, but the silence following was unbearable. The silent judgement was worse than words of scorn... that much she had experienced before. Ryuden had never spoken of his displeasure with her, with the situation, but Utsusemi felt it, she was certain of it. That he said nothing at all was much worse.

And that Kenzo, whom she relied on to be her rock, was silent... it crushed her.

"... Kenzo?" her voice was flat, as she held back her own emotions, seeing no other choice but to shut herself off from them, before they became too much for her. Hesitantly, Utsusemi looked at him now. And then wished she hadn't.

Kenzo could hear the flatness in Utsu's voice. The lack of feeling. He'd heard hints of it before, in her household. When he'd witnessed the coldness between her and her husband. When he'd seen her shut off.

Kenzo's expression melted, the uncertainty in his eyes replaced by guilt. He'd hurt her, he knew, something he'd never meant to do. Suddenly, he was reminded of when he told her that if she was cut, he thought he would bleed. He felt that now, a terrible mutual wound.

There was only one thing his feelings would allow him to do. Kenzo moved to her, throwing his arms around her. He clutched her to him gently, as though afraid of hurting her further. "Utsusemi." He whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He swallowed, tilting his head up to fiercely kiss her forehead. "I should have thought of you first, not... I'm sorry." His whisper was hoarse. "I'm supposed to be your hero. Please, forgive me." His arms around her tightened, just a little.

"No... I..." she stammered, feeling her tears starting to break through her enforced On. "... I'm sorry. I should... I should have been someone more worthy of you. I'm not a princess, or a heavenly dragon, or a perfect wife as I should be, or even a good woman, Kenzo."

Utsusemi couldn't help herself from hugging him close. Even as she hated herself, her own weakness and shame, she couldn't hate him or fault him for being upset with her. "It's just... I'm so ashamed of what I've done," her voice was choked with the tears she was holding back. "... I don't care if the rest of the world hates me, but I can't bear for you to hate me for what I've done."

"Utsusemi... no..." Kenzo shook his head gently. "You're all of those things. All of those and more. I've seen that, every day. This changes nothing, not for me, not for you." He spoke was low, but firm.

Gently, he stroked her back with one hand, even as he held her tight to the solid reassurance of his chest. "I wish I could take your shame away. You don't deserve it. It's not yours to bear; unfair that it has been placed upon you." Indeed, it seemed to him that she had been wronged, terribly so. That she kept going through it amazed him.

He shifted, his hand ever so gently guiding her chin up. He leaned his head forward, letting his forehead rest against hers, sharing the gesture of tenderness that was so much theirs. His eyes were wide still, but there was no hiding the love that burned in them. "And I could never hate you, Utsusemi. Perhaps... perhaps that can be enough. That this one knows your secret, and will share whatever of the burden he can." His lips curled up. "And loves you. Please, never doubt that."

If her makeup had been mussed before, it was certainly a mess now when Kenzo gently lifted Utsusemi's chin, as tears flowed unhindered, as if he had somehow managed to make a hole in the barrier she had set up between herself and those emotions.

She sniffled, calming herself as she felt their foreheads touch. It was hard to feel like she deserved someone like Kenzo, who seemed to love her unconditionally, even when she had now shared her shame with him.

Her chest heaved a few times as she needed to calm herself enough to manage to speak. "But... it is my burden to bear, Kenzo," she clenched her hands together over his back. "I could have said no, but I didn't... and now, for them, I have to bear it. Tough," Utsusemi sniffled again, "... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have burdened you with this. Please... forgive me."

Gently, Kenzo's hand stroked down her hair, down her back, as he held her tightly. His feelings were still raw, but all trace of his negative emotion was gone.

"I... if I had somehow been in your position..." He shook his head. "I don't know. It's impossible for me to imagine. But it seems to me that it would have been difficult beyond measure to say no in those circumstances."

He shifted, kissing first one cheek, then the other, brushing her tears away with his lips. "Please don't apologize. I'm glad you told me." He gave her a gentle smile. "As long as sharing it made your burden any less, I'm very glad indeed. We'll help each other, Utsusemi. That's how it should be, between us."

"I..." Utsusemi stammered again, overcome with emotions as Kenzo's kindness, patience, and gentleness eroded away her defenses.

This was how it should be, wasn't it? The support Ryuden should have given her, when she was struggling... Kenzo was giving her instead now, years after she suffered. No matter what the future would bring... Utsusemi was resolving to have a long talk with her husband when returning home. Too long had she been silent. Too long had they both been silent.

"Kenzo... I love you," she sobbed, her feelings mixed with between joy and pain, but mostly it was joy that was on the rise now. "I love you... without you... I don't know if I could still be here now."

Anytime Kenzo heard Utsu say those words, his heart seemed to swell with joy. This time, it seemed especially to do so, a sudden surge of emotion to match the first time he'd heard her say them.

Kenzo's arms tightened around her. He rubbed his cheek against hers, his nose brushing against her silken hair. "And I love you, Utsusemi." He whispered fiercely. "You've given me so much. So much." He said. "I'll always be your hero. If ever you need anything..." Again, he rubbed his cheek against hers, before turning his head to kiss her jaw tenderly. "I want to be there for you."

Her own hands moved to cup around his face, as Utsusemi felt strengthened by the love he gave to her, and how much of himself he gave to her. She was unworthy, perhaps, but she would continue to try to always be worthy of Kenzo.

"All I need now," she managed to chuckle through the tears that at least were now coming under control, "is you, Kenzo. Just... knowing you are here. Knowing you are still here, even after this. Right now, I can't ask for more." Her thumbs brushed over his cheeks and she found enough strength again now to kiss his forehead. It was a light and gentle kiss, but alone it conveyed how important he was to her in this moment.

Utsusemi was stronger than she looked, but she was also fragile and flawed... in a way like broken pottery that had been artistically repaired to be more beautiful with it's flaws.

"... I'm sorry I doubted you."