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 Post subject: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 1:33 am 
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Perhaps it was the new Fortune's blessing in some way, or that she was managing to find a new font of inspiration that did not involve her bringing herself down to the worst depths of her own emotions, but Utsusemi was nonetheless grateful for the focus Sadahako and her temple had given her in the creation of her masterpiece.

It was not yet time to reveal it to anyone, but she still made the trek to offer her gratitude to the Fortune. She had worked on it long into the night, looking at the notes she had made over the past days in her new notebook, until it had all come together. It was still a secret to Kenzo even, though her Mirumoto guardian probably had reason to suspect there was something she was hiding as a surprise.

Kneeling, the lady Agasha offered her sincere thanks and devotion to the Fortune of Artisans... and that the Fortunes would safely watch over the samurai going out to fight today against unspeakable horrors. She wished for them all to return safely: Kenzo, Sanjuro, Bellena, Ran, Keiji, Rukaya and what she suspected was a tiny spark of life living in the Unicorn girl, even the grumpy Yasuhiro, and the scumbag Zabieru. Everyone.

Right... Sanjuro, maybe he's still here, she thought as she finished her prayers, and began to look for him.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 2:54 am 
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Sanjuro was doing the carpentry in monk's dormitories, with some assistance from some local carpenters and those brought from Rokugan. His voice was less barky and grumpy than usual as he gave out instructions.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 2:58 am 
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So the change hadn't just been a spur of the moment when he wrote the letter yesterday, Utsusemi mused as she observed their work for a little while. After a few moments, she cleared her throat. "It's coming along really well, I see," she offered in a bright tone to the workers as well as Sanjuro.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:04 am 
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A little startled, he looked up. Seeing her, he took a deep, silent breath.

"We're doing our best." He bowed to her. "Thank you for noticing, Utsusemi-sama. The monks will be able to move in soon enough."



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:10 am 
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Utsusemi bowed in return, making sure to include the workers as well. "Thank you for all your hard work, minna-san. I'm very impressed at your work."

"... May I have a moment of your time, Sanjuro-san? I promise it won't be too long."



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:22 am 
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"...Of course." He nodded, having pulled the hems of the kimono on his chest closer together after he had put aside his planer. Quietly, he joined her side. "Where would you like to talk?" He folded his arms and hid his hands in opposite sleeves.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:29 am 
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"Would the garden be alright with you? Or rather... what will eventually become a proper garden," she shook her head slightly at her own correction. That particular area was the one she had been able to help the most with, but certain things also took time.

Her own deep blue kimono was deceptively plain at first glance, but closer one could see the patterns of morning glories. The obi kept in the colours of the Dragon in bold lines of yellow, light brown, light green, and deep green.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:34 am 
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He nodded and quietly followed, keeping his eyes focused on the garden-to-be.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:49 am 
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She let the silence linger as they walked, but that Sanjuro seemed more quiet in an almost serene way put some of her worries at ease.

It wasn't quite a Rokugani garden it was going to be, but Utsusemi could tell it would be beautiful in time.

"Ah... I'm a little at loss of where to start, but I suppose I should ask first if you have eaten since yesterday? You said you were going to fast, but..." she stopped herself before getting carried away with her usual motherly concern. He was probably going out fighting too, and she worried that he wouldn't be able to keep up his strength.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:55 am 
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"I ate something upon learning I'd be fighting today. I've been called back onto Yamato Maru." He explained matter-of-factly, kneeling to check on the bulbs. "Everything going well for you?"



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 4:12 am 
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"Good," she murmured with a nod, her own gaze drawn to the bulbs.

"Yes... I think so, yes." Utsu was feeling better, her own confidence and her view of her own worth had been growing lately. Not without its difficulties, but it was a start.

And her finished masterpiece had been a confirmation of this new path of hers.

"Your letter yesterday surprised me a little. Not in a bad way, I mean, just... for a moment I thought it was someone else. But I see now that perhaps it is a new side to you? Is... did something happen?" She spoke with a gentle curiosity, trying not to push as she did not want to upset this new Sanjuro that had just taken root.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:19 am 
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"In a sense." He confirmed with a nod with some reluctance. "I felt I could not continue the way things had been for me. So I looked into myself and decided to change something, and myself was the only part of the puzzle I could change without hurting anyone. I don't know if I can hold onto it, but I try." He shrugged. "This is more or less it..."

He rose and looked at her with semi-peaceful resignation. He may have been about to add something but he shook his head and looked down toward the bulbs.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:37 am 
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Utsu felt a little confused, as she did not quite understand everything, but...

"... I can't say I understand all of what you are saying, Sanjuro, but..." she breathed a soft sigh, smiling gently, "if you're happy, I'm glad. I won't pry if you feel better that way."



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 11:12 am 
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"The gist of it is you can count on me not to cause you trouble. Ryuden is too much of it already for you. Whatever I ever do will not change the fact that I have existed in your life only because of him. So I can take care of that part at least, to make things less complex." He nodded to himself. "Finding some peace with myself is good enough. Finding some purpose beyond myself, a real one, would be even better. After all is said and done my personal struggles don't matter that much anyway. Or at least they shouldn't." He looked at the temple, then at the bulbs, and just briefly at her in the middle. "It's what we leave behind for others that counts. I cannot be that man for the woman I love, and I cannot be the father for my children. So I'd better be someone else to someone else. I'll sail to Merenae, and see if I can figure that out there."

He sighed.

"I guess it's a farewell, Utsusemi-sama. I hope it does not look like fleeing this time."



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 2:12 pm 
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"... I always wanted all of us to be a family, in a selfish wish that it would be more like the family I left. But, it has taken me all these years to understand that it's just not meant to be. I... don't fault any of you." Utsusemi breathed deeply. "Maybe myself, for not realising it sooner, but... I am learning to not blame myself for everything. Especially those things I must realise I have no power over..."

Farewell? It sounded... sad, but, yes... nescessary. He hadn't really said farewell when he left the first time, but she hadn't blamed him. As long as it would not be farewell forever.

"Only if you never come back?" She said with a touch of fragile humour. "... Even then, I would miss you, but I can't fault you for this new path you've found. Just... I'm not worthy of being -sama to you. Maybe later, when I have presented my work for Sadahako-kami...?" She was hopeful as she hinted to her finished work.



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2017 11:58 am 
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"I am sorry." He inclined his head. "Giving you a family you might want was my unattainable dream. But I no longer have it in me to submit to my brother like I did. Not after Tsumugi was conceived. Not after you had sought me back then..." He sighed. "I don't think it would make you happy either way, my fraternal piety. Or would it?"

He took a long pause.

"And I need to ask for your forgiveness again, Utsusemi-sama, for not being able to treat you just as a friend. Despite knowing better, in your kindness my foolish heart always sees a promise of the shards of our past I have never stopped to cherish, and misconstrue. You've always impressed me, and this temple only confirms what I've already known about you. But I still need time to learn to see your thoughts on me for what they are. A journey of body and spirit. And I cannot know what that future holds."

He chuckled wistfully.

"What may please you is that these days my thoughts are closer to the Doji creed than ever before, about great deeds and good ones. I suppose you can count it as your lasting legacy in me?"



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:36 pm 
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Utsusemi's face flushed slightly. "No... I... that's not what I meant," she frowned a little, but let the matter go rather than trying to explain. "... But, it doesn't matter. No, you submitting to Ryuden-sama wouldn't make me happy. Nor you."

She still remembered all too well how she felt back then. Alone with no one to support her or to confide in, thinking at first maybe it was just the child that caused the distance... and later becoming more convinced that it was she who was no longer of interest to her husband, either because of the shame she had committed for him or because she somehow no longer was the wife he wanted. That horrible feeling of desperation as she wanted someone to acknowledge that she was still someone who mattered, someone who was worth something... and the only place she felt she could seek it was him.

Such feelings were hard to drive away.

"... You don't need to ask my forgiveness, Sanjuro. You were not the one who wronged me. Rather the opposite way. My kindness for you, I only wish it can make up for the pain I've caused you." And your brother. Utsusemi inclined her head in return as well.

Though, his words did make her smile return. She had never thought that her own devotion to Lady Doji's words would have such a profound impression on him, but when she gave it a moment's thought, he always did seem inclined towards such ideals. "Perhaps? But you know, you always did act in accordance to the Lady's words - how you would make or do little things for others happiness, never asking for glory or recognition. Every time I place my brush to the paper, I'm reminded of your good work that contribute to more beauty and goodness in the world." Utsusemi offered him with an encouraging tone, in hopes that it would be something that could help him continue to keep to this new side of him. And every time I see my children, I'm reminded of how much you sacrificed of yourself as well, even if you confessed it is what you wanted.

"Not to mention your work here too... I could not have done this without your help."



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2017 11:57 pm 
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"Pain is a curious thing. We shouldn't seek it but when it happens, it creates a trial. And we can go either way, succumbing or transcending it, toward something better within us. Or so I feel right now about it. So don't be sorry, okay?"

He mustered a small smile as he tried to be reassuring. As she smiled back soon enough, his face returned to its new default of thoughtfulness.

"If at least a few things had been different I would have stayed behind and just married Koharu on whatever terms she would have managed to secure. Maybe I'd have found my place among some other Crane Clan that it is now after all. But this ship had sailed if it had ever even floated, and there is no turning back. So let me just keep it in my heart as a piece of you, some simple precepts how to live and still be able to look into the mirror in the morning, especially that I feel the idea behind them is closer to how I feel now than ever."

He shrugged, and looked around.

"My help would have been meaningless without your drive. It's all because of you."



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 Post subject: Re: Prayers (D12, LM)
PostPosted: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:37 am 
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"If it is what you want, I could... bring back word from you to her," Utsusemi offered, looking away to admire some birds flying overhead. "Of course, anything you wish to have brought home, I am more than happy to be your messenger."

Not that she thought he would want to write his brother, but still... it was only right to make the offer.

"... Maybe we can agree on that together we made this possible? Both the temple and starting on new paths, I mean. Otherwise, I worry we might go around in circles on the subject." Her chuckle was soft. "Even if our paths diverge after this place, it seems we've both found a new way to move forward. I'm happy for you, my friend."

She chouldn't help herself from a playful smile. It was those little signs that showed she had found more to life than what she had before. "Although, I will still wait for you to return home... and see if you did teach the cat to swear like a pirate."



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